Word to the wise, don’t come home from work, eat leftover spaghetti and meatballs and then go for a 4 mile run pushing a baby in the stroller no matter how hungry you are.  Because at mile 1.8 you will start to feel kinda queasy, by mile 2.4 your stomach will be in an uproar and at mile 2.7 you will have to stop and throw up.  Yep, that’s right, the spaghetti will have to make a quick exit and not out of its normal exiting orifice.  Let me tell you this, spaghetti doesn’t look pretty the second time around nor does it taste good and the meatballs are a little rough coming back up!!!

The whole throwing up ordeal will remind you of all the other times you threw up and the struggle you had with that terrible disease.  You will be throwing up at the side of a busy road with your little daughter in her jogging stroller looking at you.  And the feelings of helplessness that you felt 12 yrs ago will flood back and you will start to have a panic attack.  Since you’re at mile 2.7 you have made it over half way and are on the trip back home and you can’t call Mr. H. because it is 6:20 p.m. and you know that he is on his way to pick up Teeny from Drivers Ed and it would take him about 20 minutes to turn around to come back and get you (he would if you called) and it will only take about 15 minutes to jog back home.  So you start jogging looking at the ground and count your steps 1, 2, 3 . . . until you get to 100 then start over again trying to keep your mind off the panic that is starting to swell in your chest like the spaghetti you just got rid of.  You will also bite your lip trying to fight back the tears stinging the back of your eyelids and your knuckles will be white from griping the stroller handle so hard.  When you get home (and brush your teeth, which will make you gag again) you will start to cry and cuss the sperm donor because 12 years later he still has some control over your life and 12 yrs later the abusive relationship you survived will still cause “Issues” and re-surface its ugly head.

It’s like being an alcoholic, once an alcoholic always an alcoholic and even though I haven’t suffered from Anorexia for about 11 yrs I’m still an Anorexic and will always be.  It still happens that sometimes I will put something in my mouth or smell certain foods and it will cause my stomach to turn and it always scares me because I don’t want to ever go back there.  It’s a fight I will have to fight the rest of my life.

IF YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, PHYSICAL OR VERBAL, THEN GET OUT NOW!  IT IS NOT WORTH IT AND WILL CAUSE PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL PROBLEMS 12 YRS LATER.

Signed:

From someone who has been there.