If you are disturbed easily then now is your chance to go read someone else’s blog. Consider yourself warned.

I haven’t been able to blog for a couple of days because I found out that my oldest son is a cutter. If you don’t know what this is then too bad, don’t ask I don’t feel like explaining it. It’s kinda like explaining to someone what a blog is when he or she doesn’t have a fucking clue and just looks at you with that blank stare even after you explain it.

He has wrestled with depression and other demons for a little over a year now. He has been on several different types of medications trying to find the right combination to correct the chemical imbalance in his brain. He is also seeing a therapist or psychologist or whatever you call them. Up until this point I have always held out hope that we will find whatever will work to help him cope with life or at the very least to co-exist with it. Then I noticed the scars on his arms – it really scares me. I asked him, point blank, if he was a cutter and he replied that he had been for a while. While I have struggled with demons of my own I thought that I was attentive and would know when one of my own children, someone who I carried and nurtured for 40 weeks and have taken care physically and mentally for the last 19 yrs, was in trouble. He visited a psychologist as soon as I even thought there was a problem and has continued going no matter what the cost. Over the last yr he has dropped from 185 lbs to 162 and he is 6’2". While skinny jeans run ramped in my family (my father and I being the only ones with fluffy ones) 162 on a boy who is 6’2" is ridiculous.

Even though I understand the depression and the demons, because I probably passed them on to him, I don’t comprehend the cutting. I have considered suicide several times over the course of my life, but have never been a cutter. Oh god how my heart breaks - I would give up my own life in a heartbeat if I could save the life of my oldest.