Have you ever had one of those soul-cleansing craps?

I’m talking about the kind that comes out looking like the arm or leg of a small child, the whole arm including the bent in the middle elbow part.  Maybe I just get too excited about the whole crapping process since I suffer from constipation.  While taking a crap is certainly on my daily list of “Things To Do” it doesn’t always get that little line drawn through it.  I have gone 3 days before without taking a shit – so long that my hazel eyes start getting brown streaks in them unlike my butt-floss. 

I’m starting to LIKE the taste of prune juice.

One time my right side was hurting so bad that I actually thought I was having an appendix attack and while writhing on the floor almost convinced Mr. H. to take me to the Emergency Room. .  That is until he finally asked “How long has it been since you’ve pooped?”  That’s when it hit us – I hadn’t pooped for 4 or 5 days.  So 2 cans of prune juice and a handful of dried apricots later my sluggish system finally decided to crap its way on down – unlike that old woman in the gray corolla I managed to get behind on the freeway this morning.  Maybe I should just start throwing cans of prune juice at the slow drivers I encounter.  We can call it Drive-By Pooping.

There is a little ritual that I follow each morning.  I go out in the backyard, completely naked, and turn around 3 times while hopping up and down on 1 foot the whole time praying to the Poopy Gods (herein PG) to please let me have a bowel movement that day.  Heaven forbid if I forget and only turn twice instead of thrice because the results are not pretty. 

This morning it was 27 degrees here – I really don’t think I’m gonna poop today.

Most people probably go through life not even thinking about the functions that are supposed to happen naturally below their belly-button.  But not me – I have to chart mine and we aren’t discussing monthly flow here – which has its own little chart.  The poop chart hangs on the fridge right next to the chart of chores the kids are supposed to do daily and yes we both get gold stars for accomplishments.  Sometimes when we are feeling a little crazy we even mix it up and put little stars on each other’s charts.

Maybe I need to move that chart to the back of the bathroom door.  Sometimes it is rather embarrassing when company comes over. 

Oh, what the hell – I just told the whole internet that I can’t take a shit.