I got brave last Friday night and decided to travel out of town with Magpie in tow.  I say “I got brave” because Mr. H and Teeny left Wednesday night which meant I would be traveling …

ALONE ...

with a 14 month old ...

strapped in a vehicle ...

for over 2 hours!

No tasty Adult Beverages named “Mr. Confidence” were consumed prior to the 2 hr 20 minute drive even though they were lovingly looked at and considered – damn that “No Drinking and Driving” law here in Texas – I gotta find somewhere else to live!

The game plan Friday was to stop off for a little volunteer work, pick Magpie up from Grandmommies house, take Magpie home, pack, feed Magpie, load truck, chase Magpie around house on hands and knees to wear her out, bath Magpie, feed Magpie some more (read stuff), give Magpie a bottle and finally put bottle fed, sleepy, full Magpie in car seat around her normal bedtime and get the “Hell out of Dodge”.  With the hopes that getting on the road at 9pm would ensure a peaceful (i.e. quiet) ride to the farm with no screaming, yelling or shrieks issued from the backseat.  The plan was executed rather smoothly if I do say so myself.

**hester beams with pride to finally have something work out like she planned**

Except!

While feeding, chasing, packing, loading, bathing, etc hester didn’t pay attention to the fact that she was consuming large amounts of water – damn!  It gets worse – grabbed a 24 ounce bottle for the road – double damn!  About an hour into the drive I have to pee, 30 minutes later I really had to pee.  Ummmm, really BAD!

Think hester, think!  Before your left kidney burst open.

Idea #1 – Pull over at a gas station

Discarded because that would require waking Magpie up and taking her inside with me and there were no guarantees that she would go back to sleep.  Briefly considered leaving her in the car but decided that I really didn’t want to have to explain to Mr. H why I arrived at the farm by myself and why Magpie was now in the custody of Child Protective Services.  Might have enjoyed the vacation from motherhood though.

Idea #2 - Hey – I have leather seats and can just pee in them.

Discarded because I realized that I have carpet on the floor and was sure there was enough fluid wanting to come out that it wouldn’t be contained by the seat and would spill over onto the floor causing a bad smell to stay in my truck for years and might affect the resale value.  This too might have been rather hard to explain to Mr. H.

Idea #3 – What about that package of diapers in the back?

Discarded because I was wearing jeans (which would’ve been rather difficult to remove driving down the road) and also I wasn’t sure how many baby diapers it would take to hold the – oh, about 68 ounces of liquid that was now backing up into my throat.  Also wasn’t sure if I could stop the flow of liquid long enough to get a fresh diaper in place when one of them filled up.  Considered this a little longer than option #1 & #2 because throwing a full diaper out the window at the windshield of the truck that was pissing me off really would’ve been rather fun.

Now about 2 hours into the drive and still 20 minutes away from destination, about to burst open at the seams from backed up sewage in body.  What to do?

Hey – I am in Texas now and was driving out in the middle of nowhere so I just pulled off the highway, grabbed some Kleenex, made sure no one was around and squatted on the side of the road. 

There is a new river along I-20 out towards Abilene but don't swim in it!